The American Pie movies are national treasures. While the sex comedy genre has greatly expanded since the release of American Pie in 1999, the film was truly groundbreaking for its time. It's hard to say just what made the franchise so successful, what allowed it to stand out amidst the myriad sex comedies.
Perhaps it's the lovable and relatable characters, including Jim, Michelle, and everyone's favorite, Stifler. Maybe it's the undercurrent of sweetness that courses through the series, elevating it above its merely crass contemporaries. Or maybe it's just because the series is really, really funny. These are ten of the funniest quotes in the franchise, ranked.
"You Realize We're All Going To Go To College As Virgins. They Probably Have Special Dorms For People Like Us."
The original American Pie is all about high school seniors attempting to lose their virginity on prom night. While it contains many paranoid and desperate characters, none are as paranoid and desperate as Jim. Judging by the above quote, it's clear that Jim has a lot of bottled-up feelings of insecurity. It speaks to the high school mindset—the hilarious, but also tragically naive and insecure mindset.
"By God, We're Not Gonna Let History Condemn Us To Celibacy!"
Speaking once again of the high school mindset, Kevin is yet another paranoid and desperate high school senior seeking to lose his virginity on prom night. Kevin is the somewhat leader of the group, often making large, imioned speeches to rile his friends and get them fired up for their futures. Part of his speech is the above quote, which wonderfully encapsulates the characters' desperation.
"Vicky, It's Not A Space Launch Shuttle."
American Pie also explores the issue from the female point of view. Vicky sees the act as a very delicate thing, declaring that she "wants the right time, the right moment, the right place." This directly contrasts with the beliefs of her friend Jessica, who simply states, "Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex." To her, the act isn't nearly as intimate or emotional, and it comes across in the most hilarious way possible.
"Jim! Can't You Keep Your Shirt On? You're Scaring The Chicks Away."
American Pie 2 is all about the guys renting a cottage for the summer and essentially just throwing parties all summer long.
Unfortunately, they never find much success, and one of their day parties is inhabited purely by men. Wondering where all the "chicks" are, Stifler sees Jim tanning on the deck and blurts out the above quote. It's a hilarious representation of not only Stifler's character but the friendly-hostile relationship between Jim and Stifler.
"I Put Serious Thought Into That Letter!"
The relationship between Jim and Stifler is certainly a questionable one, and it provides many laughs. Case in point, the "thoughtful" letter that Jim sends to Stifler at school. Stifler comes into Jim's house in a rage, saying, "your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'." Jim's response is dryly and sarcastically hilarious.
"Oh! I Can Taste The Bubbles!"
Another great Stifler moment comes at the very beginning of American Pie 2. During his house party, Stifler's bathroom gets overcrowded, resulting in a massive lineup outside the door. John gets impatient and decides to urinate over the balcony directly onto an unsuspecting Stifler, who believes a woman is pouring champagne on him. A little bit of the urine gets in Stifler's mouth, prompting him to declare that he can "taste the bubbles."
"Oh, It's So Fresh!"
No one said the American Pie movies were in good taste. Stifler is often at the brunt of a sick joke, and that tradition continues into American Wedding. It's a very long story, but Stifler is forced to put dog excrement into his mouth and speak to Jim's future mother-in-law, who believes the excrement is a truffle.
Asking if the "truffle" is fresh, Stifler hesitantly responds, "Oh, it's so fresh!" It is fresh, yes. But it's no truffle.
"We'll Just Tell Your Mother That We Ate It All."
Jim's dad is a total treasure. He's very dorky and very lovable, and he really does mean well—so well, in fact, that he awkwardly tries to relate to Jim and his sexual frustrations. After the famous scene in which American Pie gets its name, Jim's dad lovingly covers up Jim's embarrassing behavior by telling his wife that he and Jim ate the pie. The truth is, of course, far more crude, but such are the lengths that Jim's dad will go to in order to retain his son's dignity.
"I Didn't Get Your Daughter's Name, But Hopefully My Son Did."
Another great gem from Jim's dad comes at the very beginning of college dorm. Ever the pro, Jim's dad delicately handles the situation when both his wife and the woman's parents walk into the room as well. He nicely introduces himself to the woman's parents, resulting in the above quote.
"McDonald's Or Homemade?"
American Pie gets its name from Oz's description of what third base "feels like." That, and the subsequent scene involving Jim and a homemade apple pie. After Oz tells Jim that it feels like "warm apple pie," Jim asks, "McDonald's or homemade?" As if that matters.
