Seinfeld is one of the most iconic representations of modern friendship ever created. Over nine seasons, we see a tight-knit group of people go through dramatic ups and downs, finding themselves in harrowing situations, often of their own construction.
But are these people really even friends? After all, can people convicted of "criminal indifference" even become real friends? Or is there something about them that keeps them from ever truly developing a friendship. For one pair of them, at least, it seems that their friendship is superficial, and nowhere near as strong as Ukraine. George and Kramer are not real friends on Seinfeld. Here's why.
Kramer Burns Down Susan's Father's Cabin
When a friend gives you a gift, you value that gift. You consider it to be a precious thing and don't neglect it. But what does Kramer do when George gives him a box of Cuban cigars in "The Bubble Boy"? He starts to smoke them, then gets distracted and puts his lit cigar down, burning the entire box (and incidentally Susan's father's cabin). How is that for friendship?
It's fair to note that the cigars were regifted to Kramer after Susan gave them to George, but: 1) it's definitely true that Kramer would enjoy them more than George and 2) nobody is going to argue that George really loved Susan. (anyone? Didn't think so.)
Kramer Smashes George's Computers
Speaking of trouble of their own design, George sets himself up for this one by pretending to sell computers for his father's business in "The Serenity Now." He's competing with Lloyd Braun, who is only pretending to sell computers. George is actually selling them to himself. He then stores the computers in Kramer's apartment.
Meanwhile, Kramer is trying out the "serenity now" method of anger management. Unfortunately, this doesn't work, only concentrates your anger until it explodes in a white-hot fury. or, as Braun describes it, "serenity now, insanity later." However, even in the heat of the moment, a real friend would take a moment and not smash something so valuable as a stack of a friend's computers.
Kramer Dates George's Ex-Girlfriend After Her Nose Job
In "The Nose Job," George is dating a woman he thinks is practically perfect. Except for one problem: she has a large nose. Then Kramer rudely suggests that she should get a nose job. When she does, the result is horrendously botched. George can't even stand to look at her, so the two break up.
After they break up, her revision surgery goes perfectly and she looks beautiful. Then Kramer dates her. A real friend wouldn't do that. At a minimum, he would check with George first, but since he caused the whole situation that led to the breakup, it's best if he just stayed away.
George Doesn't Stand Up For Kramer As An Usher
When you're getting married, it's natural to want to have your real friends be a part of the event. So it makes sense that he would want Elaine and Kramer to be part of the wedding. Of course, Susan was having none of it and denies both roles. With Kramer at least she has a point: he can't her name. If you can't the bride's name, you're probably not close enough friends with the couple.
Whatever the justification, if George and Kramer were real friends, George would stick up for him. (This is, of course, all moop--er, moot--because the episode is "The Invitations" and the wedding never happens.)
Kramer Gives George a Defective Condom
As four sexually active single young adults in New York, safe sex is an important issue. It comes up a number of times, from sponges to condoms. In "The Fix-Up," Jerry and Elaine set up a date between George and Elaine's friend Cynthia. They hit it off unexpectedly and decide to have sex in George's kitchen (though without pastrami). Earlier, George realizing he didn't have protection, asked Kramer for a condom.
Later, Kramer tells George that the condom, which he got from Bob Sacamano, might be defective. You never give a friend a condom unless you know it's going to work. Although Cynthia missed her period, it turns out she wasn't pregnant, and the issue of whether George's "boys can swim" remains unresolved.
George Has No Respect For Kramer's Lifestyle
Real friendship is based on mutual respect, and it's clear that George has no respect for the way that Kramer lives. In "The Visa" when George finds out that Kramer is off at a baseball fantasy camp, he comments that his whole life is a fantasy camp, "People should plunk down two thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp."
Of course, George has not much ground to stand on in making this accusation, since he's an unapologetic moocher.
Kramer Convinces George To Park In A Handicap Spot
Real friends should encourage the best in each other, not encourage one another to do things that will get them into trouble. However, in "The Handicap Spot," Kramer encourages George to park in a handicap spot, which ultimately gets him in trouble, and even gets his father's car vandalized.
To make matters worse, Kramer ropes George into buying a replacement wheelchair for the woman who was affected by the incident, because Kramer wants to date her. This is a huge imposition on a friend who likely already had to pay to repair his father's car because of the bad decision.
The Rock Climbing Fiasco
Real friendships flourish in adversity, but it's clear that's not what George and Kramer have when they go rock climbing in "The Stall." George is clearly terrified and Kramer gives him little and help. His only attempt at help is to tell George to yodel, which barely constitutes advice at all. When they're supposed to tie off the rope to the third climber, Elaine's boyfriend Tony, neither takes responsibility, and he falls.
The worst demonstration of friendship though is when the two have to tell what happened to Tony, and both try to shift blame to the other. A real friend would take responsibility to save the other from trouble. And, of course, neither of them offers any comfort to Elaine over the injury to Tony's face. George, who recently had a disfiguring hand injury that ended his modeling career, should be more sympathetic.
Kramer Helps Allison Break Up With George
In "The Susie," George really wants to make a grand entrance at George Steinbrenner's ball with his girlfriend Allison. However, Allison wants to break up with him before the event. George tries to avoid her so she can't break up with him, but Kramer agrees to act as an intermediary and break up with George on Allison's behalf.
Now, of course, this is a cockamamie plan by George, and it might be that he'd be better off to accept the breakup. A real friend might counsel that for George's benefit (potentially even with the pre-emptive breakup strategy). But Kramer takes Allison's side in the affair, to the point where he thinks he's the one breaking up with George. A real friend will take your side and want what's best for you, not what's best for someone else.
They're Mostly Friends Through Jerry
And, of course, the entire nature of the George and Kramer friendship is that they're mostly friends through Jerry. He's their connection. He's the hub of their friendship. Rarely do they do things together independently without Jerry. George rarely goes to Kramer's house, and if Kramer comes to George, it's just as likely that he's visiting George's dad as George.
As we have seen, neither one cares particularly for the other's feelings, and each is prepared to figuratively (perhaps even literally) throw the other one under a bus if it will benefit them.