By design, superhero costumes are awesome but incredibly impractical. This isn’t just because Superman and Spider-Man can’t exist in our reality but that even in these heroes’ heightened worlds, functionality was traded for looking cool.
For entertainment’s sake, costumes from realistic deconstructions (ex. the Dark Knight trilogy, Logan, etc.) or with deliberately campy aesthetics (ex. the ‘60s Batman show, Joel Schumacher's Batman movies, etc.) will be ignored. This isn’t about how unrealistic an inherently over-the-top superhero’s/supervillain’s costume is, but how useless it is even in its respective context. That said, these guys seriously need a makeover special.
Iron Man 3: Tony Stark’s Extra Iron Men
Tony Stark is defined by his suits of armor, but he doesn’t need an entire army of them. In the time before Iron Man 3, though, Tony made more Iron Man suits than necessary. Despite the fact that he has the Avengers as backup and that Iron Man can’t be everywhere at once, he makes an excessive amount of Iron Men that literally fills up his basement.
In the movie’s defense, this impracticality was a plot point; Tony made so many to distract himself from his anxiety and trauma. He blows them up after defeating Aldrich Killian, realizing that they’re needless and unhealthy coping mechanisms. That said, the catastrophic events of Avengers: Age of Ultron show that he didn’t learn the full lesson yet.
Wonder Woman 1984: Asteria’s Golden Armor
For the decisive clash with Cheetah, Wonder Woman dons her ancestor’s battle armor. Lifted directly from the pages of Kingdom Come, Diana’s golden eagle suit is amazing to look at, but that’s about all there is to it.
Winged armor is redundant for Diana since she already knew how to fly by then. The wings’ best function was as dual back-mounted clubs, which sounds cool but only slowed Diana down. Worse, the armor barely protected her from Cheetah, who effortlessly clawed her way through it. Arguably, Diana fought better after she ditched the cumbersome wings and helmet – which were the armor’s iconic features.
Justice League: The Snyder Cut’s Steppenwolf
The Snyder Cut of Justice League will bring back director Zack Snyder’s original character and costume designs, one of which is Darkseid’s emissary Steppenwolf. Broadly speaking, Steppenwolf’s armor hasn’t changed much save for the fact that it now looks like a pile of stapler wires instead of armor plating.
It could be argued that Steppenwolf’s look is Apokalips’ culture, but it’s still over-designed and literally too edgy for its own good. As generic as Steppenwolf’s theatrical armor looked, it was at least functional. How Steppenwolf – let alone anyone – could walk or even wear this jagged mess is anyone’s guess. Time will tell if this is an improvement or otherwise, but first impressions aren’t too good.
Judge Dredd: The Judges’ Uniforms
Sylvester Stallone’s Judge Dredd missed the source material’s satire, and the Judges’ uniforms were proof of this. The point of the Judges’ excessive ensembles was to show how Mega City One’s law enforcers were overcompensation made literal, but the movie took this at face value and mistook it for coolness personified.
Ironically, the controversially helmet-free Dredd has the most field-appropriate look after he strips his shoulder pads and codpiece when he goes on the run. His fellow Judges, meanwhile, chase him while wearing ten pounds of metal and vision-impairing helmets. Contrast this to Dredd, where the Judges’ armor was reimagined as tactical gear that kept the fascist undertones intact.
Captain America (1944 & 1990): Steve’s Patriotic Onesies
Adapting Captain America to live-action has always been a problem since his signature costume is useless for a soldier like himself. To wit, it’s just a onesie decked out in patriotic colors. His shield can’t cover his entire body, and star-spangled spandex isn’t going to do him any favors against a well-aimed punch or bullet.
The impracticality of Captain’s uniform was addressed in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), where he wears army-grade variants of his classic costume. The original spandex’s uselessness was even acknowledged in The First Avenger, where it’s a tacky propaganda costume. Adding insult to injury, Captain’s ugly 1979 outfit – an Evel Knievel-styled stuntman suit – did a better job at protecting him than his red, white, and blue pajamas ever could.
Spider-Man: Far From Home: Mysterio’s Motion Capture Suit
The big twist of Spider-Man’s second solo adventure is that there is no Mysterio; he's Quentin Beck in a Hollywood-approved motion capture suit plus special effects. Mysterio/Beck isn’t a fighter, hence keeping Spider-Man or whoever opposes him at bay with drones and illusions. However, these can only go so far.
In close quarters, a defenseless Beck is quickly beaten by a stray bullet and a punch to the fishbowl helmet (which fatally disables his drones for a second). Because of Mysterio’s special effects, Beck can’t wear protective gear or mounted weaponry that would obscure his bodysuit’s motion tracking. Beck compensates for this by having contingencies upon contingencies, which bite Spider-Man back in the worst way imaginable.
Fant4stic: Doom’s Burned Rags
Without exaggeration, Fant4stic got everything about the Fantastic Four wrong, with its interpretation of Dr. Doom being the most glaring. Here, the iconic tyrant and supervillain is reduced to an angry computer technician who looks like he had a landfill melted on him. Worse, he barely put any effort into his “costume” and it couldn’t be really called one.
In brief, Doom can manipulate matter to his whim. He could’ve made an edgy version of his signature armor to keep in line with Fant4stic’s gritty tone. But instead, he stuck to whatever tatters he was wearing when he was burned and threw on a shoddy cape. Where he got the extra cloth, no one knows. Not only is this impractical as seen in the fight against the Fantastic Four where he barely had any protection on, but it’s downright lazy.
Superman II: Zod’s Disco Fever
Fun and silly superhero movies like the Christopher Reeves Superman era get a due to their age but even on this curve, Zod and his loyalists aren’t best dressed for world domination. In short, they wear clothes better suited for disco. At best, their sparkling black garbs offer extra movement room, as dancing outfits should.
These baggy robes offer no elemental protection or injury but since Zod and company are Kryptonian, this could be their culture or overconfidence in action, the latter stemming from being born as literal supermen. Contrast this to Man of Steel where despite their enhanced strength, Zod and his soldiers still wear battle armor and their spandex is really chain mail.
Catwoman: Patience’s Catwoman Suit
Like Selina Kyle before her in Batman Returns, Patience Phillips embraces her destiny when she dons her Catwoman costume. But unlike Selina, Patience’s outfit is neither aesthetically pleasing nor friendly. For one, it’s too impractically fetishistic even by Catwoman standards. At least Selina’s full body suit protected her from Gotham’s cold; Patience is basically half-naked.
Cat senses or not, Patience left half of herself vulnerable while wearing pants that could rip at any second. Contrast this to equally form-fitting and/or revealing outfits (ex. the Birds of Prey, Black Widow, etc.) which resemble and function like athletic gear, or ceremonial/historical garments (ex. Enchantress, Hela, etc.). Meanwhile, Patience’s costume looks more like a rejected dominatrix set than the aforementioned examples.
The X-Men Franchise: Mystique Is A Streaker
Mystique is a shapeshifter, so it somewhat makes sense that she walks around naked. This allows her to morph into anyone on the spot, clothes included. Problem is, this leaves her open to literally everything, seen in how she’s easily stabbed by Wolverine in X-Men and hit by the mutant “cure” dart in X-Men: The Last Stand.
Similarly (almost) naked characters like the Hulk and Killer Croc at least have impervious skin, whereas Groot and Wolverine can regenerate. Mystique, minus her powers, has normal human biology. Her shapeshifting and martial arts prowess can only go so far in keeping her safe. This was remedied in the First Class timeline where a younger Mystique wears the standard X-Men suit, though she reverts to streaking in Days of Future Past.
